Shadow

I lay awake in bed as the darkness starts to fill the room. Shadows move about as the moon light shines in through the windows. The shadows change shapes and sizes and my mind races and runs in circles as I think about the choices I made in my life. Some, I may regret, others I treasure, but most leave me wondering what it would have been like to maybe have went in another direction. But I don’t regret the past or the choices I made totally for they are not the smartest things I have done. But they are important to who I am and what I became. The make me who I am, to regret totally and forget will alter me in my personality and I would be doomed to make the same mistakes once again.
Every night when I lay my body down to sleep, I seem to reflect about the day’s events and past events. But most of all the people I have meet and the friends I miss the most. I sometimes find myself tossing and turning thought out the night laying there restless as I wish I could make admen’s to the people I so desperately need too. But I just don’t know how, how can you try to fix something you once lost? Something you once held so dear to your heart, and so close to your soul? Most of all, how would they react to what you say or what you try to express to them. The truth is you don’t know, but you just get scared. Scared to face the truth you were wrong in your actions, and even wrong in what you did to them. I myself affected a lot of people, and possible could have changed who they are or who they once were. I myself am at fault for my actions and what I have done. And I am the only one who can make amends for what I have done. I know this will not change what I did, but in the end I would feel a little better about myself and I think they might feel a little more at ease. They could tell me to get lost, they don’t care, or even tell me they hate me for what I done. But at least I know I tried.
This may all sound as a shock or a surprise to many, but I am not perfect in anyway, I have my flaws and they run deep below my skin. They are hidden away from the view of the people around me, and most of all hidden from myself. As I start to realize what I have done and start to see my flaws surface I realize now's the time to fix them and correct them, before it’s too late and I let them consume me.
This all started when I lay in bed at night and wondering why I am alone, why I have no one to call my own, and mostly why do I feel empty inside, where my heart once use to beat so strongly with passion and love. As I lay there I think to myself why me, what have I did to be here now, and I start to see everything so clear, like dirt starting to settle in a puddle that was always stirred up.
Beside me lays a shadow of where people used to sleep next to me, keeping my warm and making me feel loved. That spot is now empty and became a void. But I still feel them there, not just one person but all of them that I once shared my heart, body, mind, and soul with. Now these people are gone from my life, not always because of something I did, but it was not always something they did. I can say I was mostly to blame for it, I am not willing to make a comment, and I am always looking and searching for something better out there, not even knowing that what I had next to me, in my life at that time was all I really needed. But I gave up and slowly pushed them away or did something that would make them not want to talk to me anymore, just to push them away.
But when I see this it’s too late to change what I have done, I pushed them away and some of them away so far I will never see them again, and if our paths ever cross again it would be anything less than friendly. I hurt many people in my life for my own selfish reasons, so many that the pain has been starting to eat away at my soul and what is left of my once whole and pure heart. So many people have a piece of my heart and they don’t even know it. I gave it away so easy and never got anything back, leaving the spot, where I gave them the part, dark and gloomy. More like a black hole what won’t let love escape and consumes the love the might come to fill it.
I always wear a fake smile and seem to be happy on the outside, when I’m so empty on the inside, crying myself to death. Just wanting to end it all, to feel no more pain. But I can’t do that, I still have hope, hope that there is someone out there I just have not found them yet. But then I wonder if I already found them once and let them go, if I have will I be doomed to be alone? Is there a chance that there is someone else out there? These are the things I stop and ponder when I start to worry.
But the day I meet this person my body will rejoice and the gate of heaven will open up upon my soul and fill it with the light and love that once was there. This shell, that is currently my body, will crumble away as it will expose the real me. A since of freedom and most of all love will overtake me to a high level that I have never experienced and slowly set me free from all the pain and guilt I once felt.
But I don’t know when this day will come or if it is already too late. But I won’t give up yet, I can’t. I will keep searching until I can’t search no more. The day I stop searching is the day I die.
But for now, I will lay here in the dark and wondering about everything, and even ponder if they miss me or think about me. But I have the memories to comfort me along the journey, and give me the since of hope. As I go to retire to my bed once again, I will lay there trying to sleep but as I turn over slowly I still see the impression that everyone once left lying beside me and wonder if they will ever return. But most importantly if they will ever return and stand by my side, not as a lover, but as something much greater, something much stronger, something that would mean the world to me. That is simple, but I would never turn away of them away, and ask them to stand by my side as a friend. But not just any friend, a friend to where the friendship would last forever. A never ending friendship.
I made mistakes in my life, and it’s time to face them, just as I am about to face the dark empty room, and lay in the empty bed I have made for myself.

 

Poems

Non-Poems